wish i wasn't such a fool

why do i spend the day just endlessly crying about nothing? the night before that, the day before that. it's like one thing happens and it causes my whole existence to crash down right before me. it's not fair. it's like i'm always such this fragile thing. one wrong word or action and i'm done for a few days. which is crazy because i have an amazing life and i wish that i could see that more often. its hard to really focus on the things that make me happy when all i want to do is break down. i just need to rant and have someone listen and tell me it sucks. i dont want options, just listen.

i know this is a terrible thing to think because i respect your decisions and the time that you take to do things. i also greatly respect that you don't want to say things you don't mean. but i often find myself thinking "it feels like you don't love me.." but then i think about it again, and say to myself "oh right, you don't..." and i don't know how i let myself think that. along with "you loved her and you told me that but you can't love me? you don't love me? after all we've been through and all the things we've done together. it can't be me?" what's wrong with me? why can't i just respect that choice of yours. because theres other people out there that can say it and really mean it after the time we've had together. i feel like the biggest bitch of a girlfriend when i think this, but i just can't help but know what goes through your mind about me sometimes.

how do you think you can yell and scream at us and not want to drive us to tears? you do it all the time and don't even stop to think one thought before you do it. and it's quite sickening to be honest. you think you can get away with making us feel like shit ALL the time. but you can't. it's wrong. you don't deserve us, such amazing people in your life. always trying to please you. when all you do in return is act like you own this place and like you own us. it's not right. it's so wrong.

and to end this off. all i want is to see you. that would make me the happiest person.

i want you to hold me

okay so screw the tumblr part, changing every thing of tumblr to blogger.

1. its my name.. haha.

2. this makes me smile because we're right in the middle :)

3. this was last summer.

4. yes, a lot. and its funny because some peop

le would say im still the same because i try to act like it, but inside its so different. ive had experience i wish i didnt have, and some that im so happy i did. i will never be the same as i was before. ive grown as a person, grown as a friend, and a lover. and im really happy with it.

5. i wish that i didn't care about everything so much. i always blow things out of prooportion because im scared of whats going to happen. i wish i wasnt so scared all the time, i wish i was more secure.

6. yes i do, i miss my father because i havent talked to him in about a bit less than a month. i also miss my boyfriend because it would be a miracle if he could just come cuddle with me.

7. dieing alone, people leaving, not getting married, losing him

8. + 9. my wonderful boyfriend, you're the reason for my smile every day, the reason im still going. if it wasnt for you, well i dont know what i'd do.

10. this is the tattoo that i want, throughout my life i've had my fair share of troubles, and all i want is for them to stop. this saying sums me up.

11. i look forward to graduating for sure. i want to get out of this school and out of this house. i hope that my life will take form of what i expect it, i would love to pursue my dreams and my career choice. i look forward to the future, i hope it's with you.

12. lastly, i recommend this blogger - http://www.foryoursatisfashion.com/

i wanna love you

1. What type of person do you usually fall in love with?

the funny type, has to have a sense of humour but then again, knows how and when to be serious. someone that can make me smile when i'm ready to quit, and someone who is there for me no matter what happens. i need someone reliable that knows my faults and works with them even though it may be difficult. someone who appreciates the simple things, like just watching movies and cuddling, doesnt always have to be on the move. and also, someone who shares my general interests, we have to have something in common, something to talk about. looks aren't very important to me but it doesn't hurt if you're adorable.

2. Are you materialistic?

at times i think everybody is, who doesn't want nice things? but there are definitely more important things in life.

3. Do you think you’ve ever been in love?

there have been times where i thought i was and realized that i was just blinded because someone gave me an oppurtunity, but now that i've really experienced something true and real, i know now that i am in love.

4. Would you be willing to sacrifice Tumblr for the one you love?

hahahahaha easily. he's worth the world.

5. Have you ever cheated on your...?

no i have not, ever. and i never will.

i think of you tonight

10 Secrets-

1. i don't like my body

2. i've had a rougher past than you probably would think

3. theres so much love inside me that i dont know if one person can handle it

4. unlike others i am not at all afraid of commitment

5. i love singing, but im too scared to sing in front of others

6. i easily let one person become my whole world

7. im insecure in the sense that im always afraid people are

going to leave me.

8. i worry a lot that i'm not good enough

9. i overthink every single little detail and blow things out of proportion way too often

10. i worry that one day im never going to get married

9 Loves-

1. my bestfriend/boyfriend

2. photography

3. starbucks.

4. shopping

5. tumblr

6. laughing

7. singing

8. painting

9. cuddling

8 Fears-

1. people leaving me

2. no one loving me

3. death

4. not reaching my goals

5. demons/ghosts

6. not getting married

7. failing

8. my own mind being left alone

7 Wants-

1. to be with you

2. to be with you

3. to be with you

4. to be with you

5. to be with you

6. to be with you

7. to be with you

6 Places I Want To Go-

1. Australia

2. New Zealand

3. Greece

4. France

5. Germany

6. New York

5 Foods-

1. sushi

2. jalapeno cheese

3. apples

4. cucumbers

5. ravioli

4 Books-

1. Twilight Saga

2. The Lauren Conrad series

3. Kat Von D's The Tattoo Chronicles

4. The Last Song

3 Films-

1. The Notebook

2. The Devil Wears Prada

3. Dear John

2 Songs-

1. Into Your Arms - The Maine

2. I Must Be Dreaming - The Maine

1 Photo of Myself-

and i want you to stay

so it's finally 2011. thank god.

all in all, 2010 was a pretty shitty year. until one person.

i have to just write this out because i've started talking about it so it needs to just come out now. i know it's a lot of feelings right now but you have to realize i have never stopped, you've always been the one i wanted.

i'm crying while writing this.

i wouldn't be able to do any of this without you. you don't know how true that is. i used to feel really weak, until i met you and you became such a huge part of my life. its like pure sunshine when i'm with you. i think about watching the stars and realizing your purpose in life, thinking about the how beautiful life is. you remind me of all the wonderful things people talk about or you hear or see in movies. it kind of feels like a movie sometimes because i still haven't grasped that concept that you're mine and only mine. it feels so surreal that you want to be with me, because i've never had this with anyone else the way i've had it with you. you've made me discover thing about myself that i had no idea about. you bring out such an amazing side of me that no one else really gets to see. the side that would do anything for you, just to keep you safe. the side that cares for you unconditionally and would do anything just to make you happy. i feel like we have this connection thats undeniable and nothing can break it. nothing has broken it, because even though we got dealt some shitty cards, you came back. and we're together and better than ever. you make me feel beautiful, amazing, and like i'm finally worth something. no one else has done that to me before. i just can't describe the impact you've had on me and my life. i've really changed, and my life has really changed. in such a good way. i can't imagine me without you. you're the cutest thing i have ever laid eyes on. the sexiest thing i have ever laid my hands on. the most amazing thing that my mind has ever captured. i have never met someone who understands me better, and who gets me like you do. you are literally the most amazing person i have ever met. not only are you my boyfriend, but you're easily my best friend. i feel so comfortable around you and that means a lot because i'm always worried about myself and how self conscious i am. you are literally the most amazing person i have ever met. i've never met a guy that could be so funny, charming, adorable, sweet, caring, reliable, and responsible. the list could go on about all your amazing qualities. i could tell you these things every day. because i wish that you agreed with me, agreed on how amazing you are. you are so much more amazing and wonderful and breathtaking than you give yourself credit for. i hope that you can start to realize it, because you're helping me realize who i really am. i couldn't ask for anything else, because you make me feel invincible. without you, i am nothing. you are the best thing about me.

i love you.