so i suck at blogging every monday. went on vacation for like a week and that was good times, spent way too much money, but it was nice. i love my brother a lot and would be lost without him, seriously one of my best friends. also happy with these last couple weeks of summer, got paid, talked to old friends that are actually my best friends, stepped out of my comfort zone (which was awkward), and going to be going it again within the next few days. i want to say things are looking up, but ew. kind of, but at the same time i could break down instantly. i miss you like crazy, school is going to be hard, but at the same time, maybe it will help things, in either way. it could strengthen us, or finally get me to move on. i dont know what i want though, because my life without you, is nothing. you're everything. on the other hand, i shouldnt make someone my everything. always have an escape, a backup plan. i truly believe my life is screwed. all because of you.
i love how everything i ever want to express comes back to you.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
you make me feel like i'm living a teenage dream
i said i would blog every monday. here's the first step:)
1. so once again, a big old let down. you didn't show up today. WHAT A SURPRISE. at least i got ahold of you though. because usually, the drill is you don't show up, then you turn your phone off for a few days, then you call and act like nothing has changed. last time that happened i didn't talk to you for four months. let's see what tomorrow brings.
2. wow this fucken sucks. bleh. ew. i just want school to start. but at the same time it's like fuck.. will i still get to talk to you? maybe i should just stop talking to them all together. it would make life easier because then i wouldn't hate myself for doing this. it's too much of a confusing situation. i need something.
this blog on monday failed a little cause it's 12:08.
but you get the picture.
still monday feeling.
1. so once again, a big old let down. you didn't show up today. WHAT A SURPRISE. at least i got ahold of you though. because usually, the drill is you don't show up, then you turn your phone off for a few days, then you call and act like nothing has changed. last time that happened i didn't talk to you for four months. let's see what tomorrow brings.
2. wow this fucken sucks. bleh. ew. i just want school to start. but at the same time it's like fuck.. will i still get to talk to you? maybe i should just stop talking to them all together. it would make life easier because then i wouldn't hate myself for doing this. it's too much of a confusing situation. i need something.
this blog on monday failed a little cause it's 12:08.
but you get the picture.
still monday feeling.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
please dont lose hold of me, out there
i was going to get into a healthy routine of blogging. and for some reason it makes me want to blog more now that i don't have my laptop. but hey, it's good to write things out. i know, probably like, 3 people read this, but i'm making a pact to blog every monday. hoooooray im finally taking control of this wild blog. anyways. i dont really know if theres anything much to say, kinf of just wanted to update. theres one topic on my mind though. i might spit out another one halfway through.
1. school, friends, cliques, drama, enemies, fights, parties. what happened to me? i used to be such a social butterfly. always talking to people, always doing stuff, always involved in those said activities. now look at me.. wasting away my summer because "i can't get a ride" or "i have to work" what the fuck mel? you know you want to go out and do things. i dont know what it is with me lately. theres something wrong. i want to figure it out. i feel wrong just sitting around being lazy and doing nothing. at least the photography lessons might get me going a little. i need to meet a boy.
1. school, friends, cliques, drama, enemies, fights, parties. what happened to me? i used to be such a social butterfly. always talking to people, always doing stuff, always involved in those said activities. now look at me.. wasting away my summer because "i can't get a ride" or "i have to work" what the fuck mel? you know you want to go out and do things. i dont know what it is with me lately. theres something wrong. i want to figure it out. i feel wrong just sitting around being lazy and doing nothing. at least the photography lessons might get me going a little. i need to meet a boy.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
where has the time gone
so its been a reeeeeally long time since i've posted something. my laptop is trashed. the fan is broken and it lasts like.. 15 minutes at best. so im on this WONDEROUSLY slow desktop. so here's an update on a number of things.
1. we've lost touch. crazingly. if that's even a word. i haven't seen you in like 2 weeks, we ended on kind of a rough note, and i just want to tell you how i feel about everything. but as soon as i say something, you get really defensive and its like what im saying is so so wrong. im not trying to make you unhappy, and its not a jealousy thing (cause i get the feeling that you think it is). im just watching out for you. its so hard to have a talk with you sometimes cause im scared that you're jut going to get mad at me. we need to come to terms here soon. its killing me.
2. OKAY WOW. how much more confused can a human being get. its like, im in love with you, but i dont want to do this to you. you're worth too much. then, i still feel as if i have feelings for you, but its not gonna happen. and THEN, you're SO flippin cute, but once again. not gonna do that to you. i just need something stable and reliable that i can count on. im just waiting for school to start again because mayyybe, just MAYBE i can find something. it's a lost cause right now though. i basically want to get on a plane and fly to you. i'd spend my life out there if i had to.
3. its been what, around a year since i've seen you? and all the sudden you're supposed to be here in a few days. i can't explain what i'm feeling inside because frankly i'm a little scared. i don't know what to expect. especially with going back with you. i just want it to all turn out well.
4. i feel like you don't really love me anymore. it feels like you don't want me. and i've come to the fact that you're basically my life, and i do nothing without you. you're my plan, my commitment, you mean more than a boyfriend ever would, or could. i feel like that's not the same for you anymore. i'm taking the backseat to him and it sickens me.
5. school soon. one more month to go. and i have to admit im stoked. i miss all my friends, i miss seeing them every day, sharing laughs and smiles and jokes. i miss bitching about teachers or talking in class and getting in trouble. i miss the routine. i miss deciding what to wear every morning. i miss wishing school was OVER. i miss thinking you had cool binders, or a lucky pencil. i miss seeing boys. i even miss the smoke pit, and the goofy kids that came along with it. the biggest thing im going to miss next year, you.
1. we've lost touch. crazingly. if that's even a word. i haven't seen you in like 2 weeks, we ended on kind of a rough note, and i just want to tell you how i feel about everything. but as soon as i say something, you get really defensive and its like what im saying is so so wrong. im not trying to make you unhappy, and its not a jealousy thing (cause i get the feeling that you think it is). im just watching out for you. its so hard to have a talk with you sometimes cause im scared that you're jut going to get mad at me. we need to come to terms here soon. its killing me.
2. OKAY WOW. how much more confused can a human being get. its like, im in love with you, but i dont want to do this to you. you're worth too much. then, i still feel as if i have feelings for you, but its not gonna happen. and THEN, you're SO flippin cute, but once again. not gonna do that to you. i just need something stable and reliable that i can count on. im just waiting for school to start again because mayyybe, just MAYBE i can find something. it's a lost cause right now though. i basically want to get on a plane and fly to you. i'd spend my life out there if i had to.
3. its been what, around a year since i've seen you? and all the sudden you're supposed to be here in a few days. i can't explain what i'm feeling inside because frankly i'm a little scared. i don't know what to expect. especially with going back with you. i just want it to all turn out well.
4. i feel like you don't really love me anymore. it feels like you don't want me. and i've come to the fact that you're basically my life, and i do nothing without you. you're my plan, my commitment, you mean more than a boyfriend ever would, or could. i feel like that's not the same for you anymore. i'm taking the backseat to him and it sickens me.
5. school soon. one more month to go. and i have to admit im stoked. i miss all my friends, i miss seeing them every day, sharing laughs and smiles and jokes. i miss bitching about teachers or talking in class and getting in trouble. i miss the routine. i miss deciding what to wear every morning. i miss wishing school was OVER. i miss thinking you had cool binders, or a lucky pencil. i miss seeing boys. i even miss the smoke pit, and the goofy kids that came along with it. the biggest thing im going to miss next year, you.
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