hi there..

i have disappeared. for like more than a month. i used to be so into this whole thing but now i'm really not that much anymore. i feel like i'm not getting my point across because not one person pays attention to this. if you want to actually know me, go here and follow: www.alwaysloveforyou.tumblr.com

thats where i really am.

someone like you

i dont know what to do anymore. all i do is sit home and cry. because i love you, honestly i do. so much. and i feel like i get so little credit for the things that i do and how hard i try. i would do anything for you to make you happy, and i pretty much do. but a relationship and happiness is such a two way street and right now i feel like im the only one driving here. i love you and i cant afford to lose you, i cant go to school and not hug you and kiss you and smile at you. i cant sit here and be unhappy and wish that i was with you and that we did things differently. and i cant let go and give up this easily. or as easily as it seems for you. thats another thing i dont understand. how your feelings can just leave. and i dont want to force you to stay in this but if you can let go of what happened before and just let us rebuild and repair then i know they will all come back. because what we had and what we are still fighting to have is real and i dont want to lose that. i can't lose that. i dont want to guilt you but i know that if we do end things im going to go back to what i was before. i dont regret anything ive done with you or for you, because its helped make me who i am. but youre not done helping me and i still really need you. i know i deserve you and i know you deserve me, but we need to work through this. at least i think. i dont want to sit here and cry and be upset anymore but frankly i dont even know what i want, all i want is you, all the time. here for me and holding me and making me feel better like you always do. i know its hard, believe me because ive been lied to probably just as much as you have in the past. but 7 months later and no lies, just love. i cant just give that up so easily because i still think that if we try we can do this. relationships take work and a really smart and wise woman once told me that it just gets hareder the longer youre together. the more work it takes. its not easy, its work, its hard. and im willing to do that for you if you're willing to do the same. all i want you to know is that i love you so much, and that is not a lie. i have never spoken those words to someone before and meant it like ive meant it to you. you have helped shape my life and me. and i know ive helped you too. so please, help me to help us and become stronger than we already are. you mean the world to me, and always will. you were and still are my first love. dont forget that because i will love you forever, a piece of me will always be with you. and i hope that happens for such a long time, because you are the most amazing person i have ever met. i know we can get through this, i know we can. we just have to spill our feelings and communicate and work at this. because we deserve to be happy, and i know we can do it for each other. you're the best thing thats ever happened to me and i cant just let go and lose it. i love you. and i want to work through this. we're stronger than we think.

and i am finishing it off

finishing this shit early cause i clearly can't keep up.

27. Talk about your siblings

i only have one, my older brother jeff. probably one of my best friends. i could pretty much tell him anything and he will listen and give me advice. he is really stubborn and a lot of times i want to break his nose but i would not be the person that i am today without him. he has not only helped me, but my whole family get through a lot by being the strong person that he is. i love my brother :) even though hes as annoying as they get.

28. The month you were happiest this year and why?

well it wasn't this year because the year already started but it was october when everything started to fall back how it was supposed to be. i got my best friend and boyfriend back, and finally became happy again.

29. A picture of yourself

30. What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month

nothing really changed, except kind of that i got a job. i hope next month i get a different job, and that our 7 month goes really well :)

22. - 26 CAUSE I SUCK

22. 10 things about you people don't really expect

1. when people meet me they automatically think i am way older than i am

2. i've had a job for about 5 years and i have 2 now

3. that i've never had a boyfriend before my current one now

4. i'm still only in grade 11

5. that i don't like working at starbucks!

6. that i have a job at starbucks!

7. me and my boyfriend have only been together for like 6 months

i can't finish this because there aren't really any things that people are surprised about with me

23. Something you will always think "what if..." about

there's actually a few of those.

what if my parents were still together?

what if i had never met my boyfriend?

what if we had never broken up the first time?

24. Things you want to say to 5 different people

this is a really stupid one and im going to skip it. what kind of question is that..

25. 10 ways to win your heart

1. great sense of humour

2. of course like any girl, compliments

3. acting like yourself around me

4. being comfortable and confident

5. a cute smile

6. going for it and not holding back

7. making the first move

8. wanting to be around my family

9. staying with me through the hard times

10. looking past faults, and accepting me for who i am. that is the biggest thing someone could do for you, loving you for who you are.

26. Your religious beliefs

well this will be a short one because i have none, i believe strongly in the theory of evolution.

14. - 21, i am SO bad at this

14. Something disgusting you do.

uhmmmm, hmm. i dont really know.. but like i burp sometimes? baha everyone burps. uhm okay so like i guess some people classify this as disgusting but i dont really think its that bad, but i have a nose ring and its a corkscrew right so i always like twirl it and clean it off, and people think thats really gross.

15. The best thing that happened to you this week.

the week starts on sunday, so im gonna say me and felix's big 6 month mark was the best thing thats happened to me this week :) <3

16. 3 things that you are proud of about your personality.

well this is intersting. uhm i guess number 1 is that i like how understanding i am, number 2 is that i am always there to count on like if you need something never be afraid to talk to me even if we aren't even that good of friends, and number 3, i care, a lot more than a lot of people think i do, i care so much about others and how people are and somethings its not that great of a thing but im proud of it because i am just a very caring person.

17. Things that make you scared.

i'm going to list 5 things,

dying alone

not getting married

failing to reach my goals

spiders

losing you

18. Disrespecting parents

i guess this is "thoughts on," so i guess you could say im against it. i mean sometimes i do and i mean who doesnt mouth of to a parent once in a while but some people take it so far. to really swear at your parents or to go as far as laying a hand on them, to me thats disgusting. it works out so much better when your parents understand things so talking to them is usually the best way to get points across.

19. Something that never fails to make you feel better

when my boyfriend gives me a hug and even if its a relationship problem with us, whenever he hugs me and lets me stay there for as long as i need, it always makes me feel better. its like something about the feeling of him holding me in his arms, my mind just goes and comes back with a more clear perspective of things. he always knows how to make me feel better, even sometimes just with words. i can always turn to him to cheer me up.

20. The last argument you had

uhmm, i dont really know. like a legit argument, probably this morning with my mom actually, about my attitude and how im so rude about spending time with my extended family (which sucks, just to clarify)

21. Something you can't seem to get over

hm. this is a tough one. i guess i could say my regrets. i only have 1. that i let someone into my life who ruined it, and me. who broke me and trashed everything i had built up to keep my strong. giving into someone who didn't actually give a fuck about me.

11, 12, 13, cause i suck.

11. Your current relationship, if single, discuss how single life is.

my current relationship is flipping amazing. i can't even describe it. we're best friends, but even more than that. we're each the person we rely on the most. like if i have anything to talk about, it goes to him, and the same thing for him to me. it's almost effortless because together we just fit, we're goofy and ridiculous and we fit together sooo perfectly. i hope other people are jealous, because i think it would be the first thing someone would ever be jealous of me for. i absolutely adore everything about him. his eyes, and his smile and the dimples in his cheeks and the way his hair falls and the funny faces he makes and the softness of his ears and his arms, and the way he holds me so tightly that makes me feel like i'm the most amazing girl in the world. i honestly feel so amazing all the time around him. i couldnt have asked for a better relationship, and i dont think i even will. there is a lot more of this relationship to go.

12. Things you want to say to an ex.

pretty much to any guy that i've ever "been with", thanks for using me and treating me like a materialistic object. a woman or a girl is not something to be used, they're something to be cherished and taken care of. don't take me for granted. don't treat me like shit. don't make sexual jokes about me. don't act like you can find someone else who is just as good or even better than i am. stop objectifying women and GET A FUCKING LIFE.

13. A date you would love to go on.

i love any dates that my boyfriend would take me on. but something that i would love to do, hmm. a summer night, thats possibly not too cold. at the beach, with just a blanket, maybe a few candles. just hanging out and watching the water, maybe the sunset. something really simple that could just link us and bring us together more, if that were even possible.

10. your views on drugs and alcohol

this is a tough one for me. if you would have asked me like a couple years ago i would have said i hated and despised drugs but drinking was okay once in a while. now if you asked me, i wouldn't know what to say. because i cant say i think its terrible because the person i love was involved with that and to make them feel that shitty wouldn't be right. but the thing is, i don't really mind them. i just don't want him to do them. i dont want him to think it's okay because to me it's not. i'd rather go out and drink. i just have really mixed feelings. if other people do them, then whatever that's your life, but i don't want them in mind.