she cried ".. te amo"

this is kind of odd for me that i just want to blog. i'm bored, laying in bed, at 10:51PM, on which feels like not a normal night. work tomorrow at 7 in the morning, meaning i have to get up at like 6. which doesn't work for me. yet i can't get to sleep. i can't stop thinking. thoughts just rushing through my mind. just about one particular thing though. well, two, but within the same subject.

-negative.
why do i miss you? i know why, cause you were amazing. you still are amazing. i'm just missing out on it because i'm choosing to try and move on. but obviously it's not working if i find myself wanting to text you that "i miss you" and "im sorry" for things i haven't done. get out of my head. you don't belong in there anymore.

+positive.
you make me happier each day. sure i get pissed off when i don't talk to you LOL but when i finally do it's worth it. it's worth not talking to you for months. because there's never a time when you fail to make me laugh, or impress me, or anything positive. you are one of the highlights of my life right now. but it kills me that you're so far. everyday, before i go to bed i think of that one wish. i see 11:11 and i wish that same wish. every day. all the time. if i could have anything in the world right now, absolutley anything, i would wish that you would live here, or that i would live there. so i could be close to you. i could see your face and watch you laugh. so i could bug you and see your face turn red. this is cliche, and super lame because i dont "know" you, but you sort of mean a lot to me. a lot a lot. more than a lot of people that i actually do "know." i wouldn't trade you for anything. because i'd rather have one really amazing person in my life that lives so far, than have someone decent that lives close. if it weren't for you, i'd be so lost. one day.

i've seen love die way too many times

a lot has changed in the last week. my whole outlook on everything. and it's like i try to sit down and write, but nothing comes out. i get writers block and then start rambling. i'm just gonna let my fingers do the walking right now. i'm really stoked that it's summer. not even bummed about anything. i just wanna party, and be crazy. because that's what summer is about. i just can't believe what happened,

summer '10

tell me that you love me, and it'll be alright

lost. scared. terrified. upset. angry. sad. emotional.
7 words can describe me right now.
i don't know what happened, and i don't know why all the sudden she comes back into his life. especially after what i've gone through to be with him and then finally life gets good and BAM it's bad again. i'm not saying it's bad, because we're still together. as far as i know. that could change at any point in time. because i bet you they're talking right now. and i bet you that he wants to be with her and not me. being a stupid girl, i always assume the worst. i don't know what i'm gonna do. i'm lost. i'm scared. it's like that tunnel i was falling down has turned into spikes at the bottom and i've gotta figure out some way to stay in this. i want him, i want him to be happy, but it's like, what if him being happy hurts me? this is so unfair right now. i wish he would let me in, i wish he would let me help. because i know i could. there's so much i could do to help him. but obviously here's scared, i understand that. i just don't understand what's going to happen to us. because i can not afford to lose him. i wish i could have been there longer, to talk to him more, to hold him more. maybe make things better. but they ended on such a bitter note that i don't know what to do. i told him everything, how i felt about him, EVERYTHING. but it didn't seem to make a difference. i want him to know i'm here. and i always will be.

nothing's gonna tear us apart

i tried writing this a while ago. i came up with nothing. just me rambling on about the dumbest things, coming up with excuses for being lazy and avoiding putting my feelings down somewhere. and now, sitting here, hearing the outside world, candles burning, peace and quiet, it brings me back...

#1- happiness
it's taken a long enough time to finally say i'm happy. i believe it was two posts ago that i said i was happy. well that was a lie. i thought i was happy then, take a look at me now. it feels like everything's working out for once. which is a miracle since i have this never-ending chain of bad luck. life usually hates me. i think that changed once he showed up.

#2- regret
there's a couple things i regret. the first happened about three or four weeks ago. i regret wasting it on you. you're worth nothing. you treated me like shit, yet i kept running back to you. it was a waste of my time. if i would have just waited, it could have been the amazing person that i'm with right now. the other thing is the way i've been thinking lately. the way i've been treating you. it's wrong of me. i know, i'm a huge hypocrite. but it's hard, i know how she feels now, it's hard to not be excited and want to just spend all your time with him, thinking about him, talking to him. i feel guilty, but at the same time, you can't get mad at me. i'm new to this. and you of all people know that. but it is my fault, i'm not turning this around on you. i just wish we could talk about normal things more often, instead of how much things suck, or how amazing something is. i want our old conversations.

#3- sadness
i know that i have no reason to feel upset, but when he's leaving next year, what am i supposed to do? my world is going to crash down. i'm trying to stay positive, but it's going to be so hard when it happens. i'm going to be lost. lost without you to help me and tell me what to do, to be with me all the time. i'm going to miss you. i already do.

#4- this feeling
it's like i'm falling head first down a tunnel that only leads to you. and i love it.