i tried writing this a while ago. i came up with nothing. just me rambling on about the dumbest things, coming up with excuses for being lazy and avoiding putting my feelings down somewhere. and now, sitting here, hearing the outside world, candles burning, peace and quiet, it brings me back...
#1- happiness
it's taken a long enough time to finally say i'm happy. i believe it was two posts ago that i said i was happy. well that was a lie. i thought i was happy then, take a look at me now. it feels like everything's working out for once. which is a miracle since i have this never-ending chain of bad luck. life usually hates me. i think that changed once he showed up.
#2- regret
there's a couple things i regret. the first happened about three or four weeks ago. i regret wasting it on you. you're worth nothing. you treated me like shit, yet i kept running back to you. it was a waste of my time. if i would have just waited, it could have been the amazing person that i'm with right now. the other thing is the way i've been thinking lately. the way i've been treating you. it's wrong of me. i know, i'm a huge hypocrite. but it's hard, i know how she feels now, it's hard to not be excited and want to just spend all your time with him, thinking about him, talking to him. i feel guilty, but at the same time, you can't get mad at me. i'm new to this. and you of all people know that. but it is my fault, i'm not turning this around on you. i just wish we could talk about normal things more often, instead of how much things suck, or how amazing something is. i want our old conversations.
#3- sadness
i know that i have no reason to feel upset, but when he's leaving next year, what am i supposed to do? my world is going to crash down. i'm trying to stay positive, but it's going to be so hard when it happens. i'm going to be lost. lost without you to help me and tell me what to do, to be with me all the time. i'm going to miss you. i already do.
#4- this feeling
it's like i'm falling head first down a tunnel that only leads to you. and i love it.
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