suddenly i see

well when school first started he waws originially supposed to be switching schools so i was all like whew, maybe i can move on because obviously he doesnt want me anymore. so then all the sudden first day back at school im walking around with my friend steph and she had to go to the office to talk to a teacher and bam there he is standing right there, so i gave him a huge hug because i totally wasnt over him and the only thing i wanted was to be in his arms again even just for a second.

so we hung out a ton, always in the morning and at breaks and lunch and stuff, and then we started hanging out more outside of school and one weekend i went to his house and it just felt really good like we talked and played video games and it felt sooo good to be with him again, and then he came to my house the next weekend, and we were just sitting there and all the sudden he put his arm around me and started holding my hand and i cant describe to you how good that felt to know there was still something there.

so when he left he kissed me and he never really asked me to be his girlfriend but i would have said yes anyways, so we've been back together for like 2 months and week, and its like the best thing ever. i have never been happier and im sooo glad that i have him back in my life like this because hes the most amazing guy ive ever met.

i had the best day, with you

i've been sitting here mindlessly for the last, what, 3 hours? yeah probably about 3 hours. feeling like complete and total shit. headache, stomach ache, shivers and then hotness. yeah it feels awesome. but then i get into bed, take a look at a couple things, and realize how truly blessed i am. i think that this comes at the right time around christmas, to really think about how good i have it and how lucky i am to have such amazing people in my life.

for starters, and obviously the first person i think of, i have been honoured to have such an amazing boyfriend. not to mention best friend. i couldn't ask for anyone better. haha wow i honestly am tearing up trying to write this. if you read this, which chances are you might, i just want you to know that you are truly one of the most amazing people i have had the pleasure of meeting in my life. without you, i don't know where i would be. you saved me from a lot, and i can not ever repay you for the wonderful things you do. you are the sweetest, funniest, most charming guy i have ever met. there has never been anyone else to sweep me off my feet like you have. you make me smile like no other person can, and with you i always feel like myself. you've taught me to think better about things and to not always be so negative, and that's something no one else could do. i have never met someone else like you, you're one of a kind. i could sit here and write a list about how amazing you are forever, it would be pages. you mean the world to me, i couldn't do any of this without you. you've changed my life and i'll never be able to thank you enough for that. i am so lucky that you're mine.

another amazing person i have in my life, well two of them, my mom and my brother. no matter how much we fight, argue, and yell at each other, without you two i would have never ever made it through these last 16 years. it's you guys who have always been there for me, helping me along the way with whatever i needed, always listening to me. there are no words to describe how much love i have for you both.

the next person i want to talk about, well she will know who she is. it started off without any personal contact, and once that started, man oh man. i can't say there is anyone else who makes me feel more like myself. you've broken through walls that some people have never been able to. and it means the absolute world to me that to this day you still sit there and listen to my little problems, and help me feel better about them. you're truly one of my best friends and i love you so much.

i'm truly blessed and honoured to have such amazing people in my life. and sometimes we all just need to sit back and realize how lucky we actually are. people get ahead of themselves and i've been doing that a lot lately, worrying about the future and not thinking about what's going on now. for the first time in a while, i can say that i'm happy. no matter what i'm being dealt, whether it's family issues or health problems, i still have an amazing life full of amazing people. i couldn't be asking for anything better.

i love you all, more than you could ever imagine.

we're all a mess you can tell

they say that once you get older you mature more. they say that you start to handle situations seriously and with dignity. i couldn't disagree more. what is this world? is it just mine? because the shit that constantly happens and the endless arguments are getting old. it seems like it's a bottomless pit of trivial arguments and things that aren't worth getting mad over. it's hard to be the middle power, the one trying to stand tall and hold everything up, when in reality youre the shortest. and even better, the worst part is there is no one to hold your hand. because you're supposed to be an adult and even the people who you thought could help, couldn't. because you're fucked. mentally, and emotionally fucked. you think you can do it but oh boy are you wrongly mistaken. you can't do shit all. it's a fight not worth fighting, not possible to fight. no one ends up a winner, everyone loses. no matter how hard you try it's not going to work out. once you get into this world, you learn slowly that trust is hard to come by. that people aren't always who they act to be, or seem to be. you may think you know them, and even if you've known them your whole life, they can change in an instant. back to the old person that you knew before. the monster inside them shows again and you realize that this whole time is was all a charade. everything tumbles down and you crash, everything crashes. it's all over. and sometimes i just want to quit.

i was falling in love

i wonder if you ever think of me.

i wonder if i cross your mind as often as you do mine.

i wonder if when we're not talking, you want to.

i wonder if when we're not together, you want to be.

i wonder if you wish i was there.

i wonder if i mean as much to you, as you do to me.

i wonder if i've changed your life like you have mine.

i wonder if you worry about some of the things i do.

i wonder if you wish i'd text you or call you.

i wonder if i'll ever become your everything.

i wonder if i have as big of a place in your heart as you do in mine.

i wonder if you believe we're going to make it, like i do.

i wonder if you wonder all these things about me too.

whether or not you think you fit in

she is the one person i feel threatened by.

but this isn't hell

its like i could write a list of all the things you remind me of.

but it would be endless,

because every great, happy feeling you can imagine,

yeah that's what you give to me.

i feel like i have nothing to give in return,

but then i see the way you smile at me and i'm lost.

theres not a day i dont miss those rude interuptions

the void in my life is gone, it feels. its as if there is no other feeling like this one. finally content and happy. without feeling like an endless waterfall of tears all the time. ive finally found that one thing that can hold up the broken walls that were my mind. ive reached a sweet spot, one that i feel totally secure in. the first time in a number of years i have felt secure with something, or someone for that matter. and its the best feeling anyone could ask for. there is no one that reaches to me like he does. ive never felt a connection so strong, like truly best friends, with anyone else. there is not one thing i couldnt tell him. and it feels good to know i have a strong backbone behind me. there really is such a thing as a knight in shining armor. ive found mine.

they ain't got nothin' on you

when im with you, i act different. in a good way. i smile more and laugh more. i dont have to pretend everything is okay when its really not. with you, i can drop the fake smile and put on a real one. i dont feel hurt and alone when im with you. instead, i feel safe. youre easy to talk to and you listen to me. i dont have to worry about holding back with you. i dont feel self concious. i dont ever feel insecure or sad. you show me that you really do care, and youre not just pretending. i really appreciate your company. because with you, im different. with you, im happy.