i'll be thinking of you

cod. what can i say. i've become an addict. and it's not good. mom is taking my bank cards away for the rest of the month once i get paid and put my check in the bank. this is bad. i've gotten bad. this is just what i need to stop my spending...

grade 11. coming so soon. two/three more months to go. and then summmerrr for two months. and then grade 11. i'm nervous. excited, but nervous. i just want it to be grade 12, i want you to be at my school, i want to only have a year left in this town. i can't wait to leave. i hope i can last in the real world. i think i can. i think i can. i think i can.

i wish you would have told me sooner. i know it's kind of a random thing to do, and i shouldn't make a big deal out of it, but we're best friends. practically sisters. and you didn't tell me. it's a big step. a big milestone in such a teenage girls life, and you didn't tell me. i think that if i wouldn't have asked why you asked me that question, that you wouldn't have told me. and i wouldn't have known. it's nice to know what's going on in your life. because it's one of the most important lives to me. i don't know if it's the lack of interest i show, because i'm scared shitless that i'm going to lose you to him, or if it's just the randomness of it that made you not tell me, but i would have loved to know. i'm sorry if i seem uninterested, or angry when you talk about it, or when anyone does, it's just that i'm scared. i remember when keith was actually a cool guy and you were scared that he was gonna take me. that's how i feel. but worse. because you're with him more than you're with me now. and you talk to him more than you talk to me now. and i'm just scared. really scared. you're my life basically. without you, i'm nothing. i'm just boring, and lame, and i sit around and do nothing. i don't want to lose my life. i love it.

that was a slap to the face. a big one. i understand where you're coming from but still. you think i don't care? you think i'm a terrible person? i'm sorry if this is the one time that i've even come close to something and YOU'RE the one i want to share it with. YOU'RE the one i want to tell all the mushy details to. YOU. it's indescribable how much i care about you, how much you mean to me, how much i want you to be happy. it's hard because i don't give good advice, and i sure as hell don't have a clue what you're going through so i'm not going to try and act like i do. i can listen. sure i can. but i just don't know what to say afterwards. i'm not good at it anymore. i'm not too good at anything. maybe yeah i can make people laugh, and be there for them, but it can only go so far. and i feel like i'm not doing that for you anymore. and maybe you're moving on, but i wish you weren't. it just breaks my heart that you think i don't care anymore. because i do. but i just want to share things with you. it's hard that we don't see each other often. it's really hard. because if you could be there everyday for 6 hours with me, i would love that. it would make things easier. but sadly, life is hard. i just want you to know that i love you, i care about you immensely, and i don't think there's anyone out there that could replace you for me.

and i'm always gonna wanna blow your mind

okay so 11 days ago i made a post. sad. i have been up at big white for the last week, which kind of sucked nuts. remind me to do something about how retarded my family is. anyways. on a more positive note, i missed you, and coming home was nice :) on an even more positive note, school starts tomorrow. and oh how i have missed seeing your face every day. talking to you this spring break has been gooood. but i like being at school better ;)

so finishing off this short late night ramble/update,

i love cod.

that's all. goodnight :)

everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold

wowowowowow. i miss you. like cuh-raaazieee. it's only been three days. hardest thing to believe. and there's sososososo much to tell you. i wish you were here. so we could talk until the late hours. god i miss you. come back. right away. not in seven days like you're supposed to. i'd appreciate if you could make that sooner because i need yeaahhh. god this sucks. who am i kidding. i'm sitting here going crazyyy. i wantcha back. puh-leazze :(

all i've ever learned from love

it's weird how good things and bad things come in bunches. last week i was ready to quit. give up completely. then just as i get sick of it, things start to take a turn. a turn for the better. met a couple people, who made some impressions on me that i don't think are ever going to leave. this week has truly opened my eyes. the world is a lot different than i thought it was. it's simple. don't over think things, it causes trouble. i've learnt that the hard way.