come light the fire in my room

yeah look at these photographic lives sprawled across the floor,

all rumpled, crinkled and torn.

yeah they say she's hooked, just can't let go,

her thoughts come crashing down, hurt is all she knows.

the truth is cruel,

but hey, welcome to the real world.

hallelujah

just thought i'd throw in a quick post here, while i'm just singing and doing absolutely nothing. for some reason today was good. like literally. good. it's weird because it's been a while since that actually happened. gym was pretty spectacular. was really impressed with it. really looking forward to it this year, it's going to be a lot of fun. on the other hand, holy god i want to just like punch you. i loved that you thought talking to me would make everything better. sure i acted the same but sitting here all i wanted to do was tell you to fuck off. i'm sick of it. sick of your crap.

on a more calm note,

i love singing. a lot. it makes me feel so much better about everything. i forget about a lot of things. it's a good escape. speaking of escapes, i need to take some pictures.

pce+lve.

you fucked up my life

anger blog. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the FUCK. three fucking times. three. THREE! all three of them i fell for it. all three times, you said the same thing to me every fucking little time. what am i supposed to think? am i supposed to trust you again? i dont know. i just dont know. because once again im gonna be messed up for a long time, just like last time. i believed EVERYTHING. as i sit here, crying, thinking about it all. i realize how stupid i was. this is what i get. after everything. after being so good, waiting my turn, finally. and then this. what the fuck. life is fucked. whoevers reading this, you should know. life is a big mess. a roller coaster. a paintball game. you just get shot once, its not so bad, shot again, hurts a bit more, and then you get shot until its a bruise, a scar. it's never going to go away. not now. not ever. i dont know what the fuck to do. what's wrong with me? cause this has happened every single time. every time i get let down. the apologies mean nothing to me right now. i just wish you could experience the pain im going through. because it's terrible. i've never felt a bigger hole in my stomach and my heart before. fuck. that's it. i'm so extremely done with being the rebound, the girl who's just on the sidelines watching, as you make your way with her. IM SO FUCKING DONE.

do do do do clap clap

numero uno.

i love the buried life. good show. it's pretty inspiring although they do the craziest things. but still. inspiring. also, it helps that there's sexy men on the show ;)

i think i wanna write a buried life list.

numero dos.

counting down the months, weeks, days, until we leave for vancouver. could it PLEASE come faster. like pretty please. with a cherry on top. i need to get out of here, even just for a weekend. forget everything and just be with my best friend doing the things we were born to do in the place we were born to be. kthnx.

numero tres.

room reno'sss. gotta love 'em. i know i do. put the closet curtains up tonight, hopefully windows tomorrow or the next day and then buy some paint this week. maybe build the shelf. let's just get 'er doneeee :D

numero quatro.

holy shit. you make me confused. and i need to figure out what this is. that's why i'm doing what i'm doing. hopefully this can clear everything up. hopefully.

numero cinque.

"maybe he's lovesick from not seeing you"

if only that were true...

gotta keep your face up

had a real good last two days. thursday was boring at school but it was amazing because i saw you. made my day actually. had a good night thursday just being a total goof. today was amazing. woke up nice and late, didn't get ready until like 4 oclock and then went to the mall. got a ring, a new bag which i loove, and some shirts :) pretty good day i'd say. probably gonna start reading the last song tonight, then get prepared to read LA Candy againnn. been having a good time lately. not too much stress, excitement, fun, lovin' it. but i still feel lacking....

it's because i see you every second day and that just brings back memories.

the way you feel is something everybody goes through

The most spectacular,indescribable, deep euphoric feeling for someone.

Love is an incredibly powerful word. When you're in love, you always want to be together, and when you're not, you're thinking about being together because you need that person and without them your life is incomplete.

It's when they're the last thing you think about before you go to sleep and when they're the first thing you think of when you wake up, the feeling that warms your heart and leaves you overcome by a feeling of serenity. It's the smile on your face you get when you're thinking about them and miss them.

Love can make you do anything and sacrifice for what will be better in the end. Love is intense,and passionate. Everything seems brighter, happier and more wonderful when you're in love. If you find it, don't let it go.

i'd like to make myself believe

insta-smile!

i totally just smiled as soon as i read that. supra stoked. whipped out the french.

i was thinking thursday, my house cause momma works friday night so like super crazy party all day friday, maybe hit up the mall.

looking forward.

i know you're gonna read this so ask yer mommmm :)

p.s. LOVE YOUUU.

when i lose control,

oh valentines day. what a stupid day of the year. the biggest waste of money, it may have started out very simple and a good way to show your love for someone, but companies have made it just another day to make money from people buying gifts for everyone. i don't even want to know how much money people spend on them. ridiculous.

on a side note,

needing to go to the mall. need stuff for the twi tourrrrr, and i need a new bag. don't know what i'm going about that. probably won't get to spend money for the next month. wonderful. naaat.

another side note,

tomorrow is monday. gym is tomorrow. on monday. second block. i know i'm not going to be able to do it. i need to get the courage for this before i just go ahead and do it. pfft. what am i talking about. when am i ever going to get that courage?

ANOTHER,

i miss you. it's weird. because we see each other every day. but i don't think we've had a real good sleepover where we stayed up till like 4 or 5 in the morning being ridculous and talking about everything under the sun. i think we're long overdue for one of those. a well rested kind of thing. so we can stay up. that would be real ideal. okay now after thinking about it we are desperately in need of one of those. maybe this weekend we should have one of those and then get the momma's together :)

i have a feeling you're going to read this, so when yah doooo, text me or whatnot :)

main point of this, i miss youuuuu!

it's been good lately. brother was home, that was super nice. got some wonderful things. had a lot of good laughs and whatnot. i just feel as if there's one thing lacking...

1. life is so complicated. being so young and having this much issues is bad. this ongoing stomach issue of almost three days now is getting old. i don't want it to be something too serious. but if it is, it needs to get fixed. on another complicated note, what's going on with my family? things seem to be going better and then just when i think they're good, they go all sour. i wish my dad was regular. i wish my mom could just do things and not be scared of what he was going to do. as much as i love them both, i think they both need to take a step up and start acting like adults and handling things seriously and stop playing games. i hate being in the middle of it. another complication, I HATE SINGLE. single. all the time. it's retarded. like i don't know. first of all lack of guys. second of all, shyness. third, i'm not going to say it. i don't want to say it. i fight it all the time and i'm going to keep fighting it. fuck.

2. photography. fashion. CAMERAA. i want a new one. as bad as it is. mine is in pretty good condition. but i just want a new one. a more advanced one. or a new lens. cause you know i haven't been waiting for that for a long time -.- i need it. i need to take pictures. i really want to get a backdrop, a huge picture, or a poster. or a few really cool sheets and something i can pin it up with. then i will go crazy. model search once that happens. but who knows. i need some expression. there's nothing right now. i've lost the whole knack for writing, and i can't draw or paint. photography is my vice. i need to spend some time with my camera. one of these days...

3. vancouver. soon. thank the lord. i want to just get out of town for a weekend. i want to figure out the schedule for our venue and figure out when we can shop and what we're going to do. maybe we should make lists and send our moms out during the day to go do our deeds. that would be awfully nice. that's a good idea actually. by the time we go, snowboard season will be over, and i'll have leftover cash. leftover cash = new makeup n whatnot. HECK YES. that is going to be amazing. overall i just can't wait to go, it's going to be sooo much funnn. we need to get together with the mama's and plan some shtufff. this is about the only thing i'm not confused about right now.

if there's a picture, it means someone had to take it

numerous things happening in this post.

1. i want my new lens. i need my new lens. i need to take pictures. i need a backdrop. i need props. i need a model. if i was older this would be easier. i have some inspiration but i have nothing to convert it into. great.

2. this is wonderful. three more months. amazing. time has moved so quickly. and i'm soooo excited. four days, in three more months, two best friends, in one city. amazing.

3. i don't want you to get mad at me just for saying how i feel about things. i want to be honest with you. i'm disappointed in how little time we've spent together in the last month. and it feels like you're getting mad at me cause i'm telling you how i feel. it's like there's no winning. now i just feel bad, confused, and clueless as what to do.

baby don't worry

starting singing it up again. don't know why but i just did, i like it,

also stoked on tomorrow, DEAR JOHNNN!!

and dieing my hairrr! :)

pretty excited, gonna be a good night :):)

it's been a while. although things are going on i feel such a lack of writing.

but either way, i'm back, very shortly.