where has the time gone

so its been a reeeeeally long time since i've posted something. my laptop is trashed. the fan is broken and it lasts like.. 15 minutes at best. so im on this WONDEROUSLY slow desktop. so here's an update on a number of things.

1. we've lost touch. crazingly. if that's even a word. i haven't seen you in like 2 weeks, we ended on kind of a rough note, and i just want to tell you how i feel about everything. but as soon as i say something, you get really defensive and its like what im saying is so so wrong. im not trying to make you unhappy, and its not a jealousy thing (cause i get the feeling that you think it is). im just watching out for you. its so hard to have a talk with you sometimes cause im scared that you're jut going to get mad at me. we need to come to terms here soon. its killing me.

2. OKAY WOW. how much more confused can a human being get. its like, im in love with you, but i dont want to do this to you. you're worth too much. then, i still feel as if i have feelings for you, but its not gonna happen. and THEN, you're SO flippin cute, but once again. not gonna do that to you. i just need something stable and reliable that i can count on. im just waiting for school to start again because mayyybe, just MAYBE i can find something. it's a lost cause right now though. i basically want to get on a plane and fly to you. i'd spend my life out there if i had to.

3. its been what, around a year since i've seen you? and all the sudden you're supposed to be here in a few days. i can't explain what i'm feeling inside because frankly i'm a little scared. i don't know what to expect. especially with going back with you. i just want it to all turn out well.

4. i feel like you don't really love me anymore. it feels like you don't want me. and i've come to the fact that you're basically my life, and i do nothing without you. you're my plan, my commitment, you mean more than a boyfriend ever would, or could. i feel like that's not the same for you anymore. i'm taking the backseat to him and it sickens me.

5. school soon. one more month to go. and i have to admit im stoked. i miss all my friends, i miss seeing them every day, sharing laughs and smiles and jokes. i miss bitching about teachers or talking in class and getting in trouble. i miss the routine. i miss deciding what to wear every morning. i miss wishing school was OVER. i miss thinking you had cool binders, or a lucky pencil. i miss seeing boys. i even miss the smoke pit, and the goofy kids that came along with it. the biggest thing im going to miss next year, you.