OKAY SO HERE I FINALLY AM. it feels nice to be looking at this text box again, letting my fingers walk across my keyboard. i forgot how good this feels.
i dont understand why this is happening to us. but its weird that im not as upset as i thought i would. i remember saying i didnt want to be like those people, and now we are. and you know, it happened to us, just like we said it would never. but maybe this is for the best. because we have to do whats right for us. and i wish that it could be what we planned, but everything is slowly falling apart. everything we shared is wasting away slowly. we are decaying.
you make me oh, so, very, extremely happy. things go downhill without you, and the fact that youre back in my life, and so strongly, is saving me from myself and the things that i was doing. if it werent for you, my act wouldnt have gotten together and id still be rotting away, with no one knowing. im just very thankful for what ive got. you literally saved me.
i want to know what it feels like to have a body like yours. to have that space in between my thighs, to see my collar bones without turning my face, and to have tiny little hips that he can fit his arms all around with no problem at all. i want to feel that, and even just experience it for one day. i want to feel that its okay to eat, and that its not necessary to attempt at starving myself for a few hours. i don't want to have to put off food, and i sure as hell don't want to always think about how much of this and how much of that im eating. i want to feel like its okay. im sick and tired of feeling not good enough, too big, and not normal. i dont want this for myself, and i never did. it just happened and i dont know why it had to be me. but i guess im slowly dealing with it, very very slowly.
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